jack_ryder | Why I hate benpeek

He wipes his arse with the Koran (because the covers of ASIM are too glossy)
He gutted my girlfriend and wore her as a suit, and I didn't find out until our second child
He once rang up George Lucas and said "Do you what Star Wars really needs? Three prequels."
He shot John Lennon
He shot Michael Buble and missed
Eight years ago he introduced John Howard to George Bush at the Midnight Shift
He won't return my gimp mask
He smokes the ashes of unborn foetuses in a joint and bogarts it
Although he is a doctor, he refuses to look at this pain I get in my right knee
The only Australian author he actively recommends to overseas editors is Di Morrissey

He's the only writer to be regularly published in Agog and Midget Amputee Weekly (where he writes the sports section)
His doctorate only contains one noun

And then he'll turn on the puppy dog eyes and the simpering expression and push down sharply on your prostate gland and expect you to promote his book

No. I will not play your game. Fuck you, Ben Peek.